


nothing i've ever done right happened on the safe side

by Ha_neul



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obi-Wan is a trans man, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-14 23:18:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ha_neul/pseuds/Ha_neul
Summary: He had assumed Anakin had always just known.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for misgendering and internalized misogyny(maybe?). Author is trans and writing from their own experiences and feelings, keep note not all trans people will feel this way about themselves. 
> 
> realistically speaking i highly doubt the sw universe would even bat an eye at a trans person considering how many different cultures etc. exist but for the sake of the fic i wanted to explore if that wasn't the case.

His routine is a monotonous yet stable one. Awaken, freshen up, prepare a cup of caf with only a hint of cream and slowly sip it while he reviews his agenda for the day. Afterwards he attends any meetings he has and comes back to his quarters to meditate. Before bed he neatly folds his robes into little squares with perfect creases and places them by his bedside for the morning. He lies awake in bed for only a few moments, wondering if he should slice his chest to remove his burdens. The useless flesh that only stands in the way and causes nothing but annoyance when away on missions. He wonders if his outwardly appearance being altered would even change stranger’s views of him. He still held his soft voice, his gentle demeanor, and while he was never one to shove elements into boxes he couldn't control the whispers heard behind his back.

This has been his constant for years, with Qui-Gon and afterwards beyond his knighting. The image of a perfect and proper Jedi who takes care of what he is given and never asks for more. 

He considers when Anakin entered his life the moment that routine became interrupted.

Obi-Wan had always been a scrawny thing. The runt of the litter amongst his fellow initiates growing up. He had never been told he sounded or fought like a girl. For Siri, his age as well, had a booming voice and could hold her own in a challenge. Admiration, or perhaps jealousy, Obi-Wan knew she was not what he wanted to be seen as.

The other children always pushed and shoved. He stood out in his too-big robes and wild red hair. An easy target, that's what he was, so he chose to become the opposite. He grows his braid proudly and when Siri dons long golden locks, he chooses to trim his to almost nothing.

He was born into this early, the children never called him anything other than  _ Obi-Wan _ the small  _ boy _ who will never amount to anything. Their words stung but Obi-Wan wore the title proudly. He was a boy and even if he were never to be chosen by a master at least he would be known as that scrawny little youngling  _ boy _ who had been tossed to the kath hounds.

When their bodies begin to change Siri confronts him.

The other boys are all flat-chested, strong and hardy. They roughhouse and play like fools and much of Obi-Wan's time is spent away from them. He doesn't have time for leisure or games. If he does not study he loses everything he has worked for. So he stays inside with the quiet, Siri his only company, for she enjoys a good fight but she knows there is a time and place. 

The changes that come into their lives are not something they don't notice.

Siri points out that Obi-Wan is unlike the other boys. He is like her, filling out his robes in a peculiar way (at least peculiar to them, this strange thing called adolescence) and she asks if maybe the other boys are all latecomers. If they too will begin growing breasts and perhaps Obi-Wan is not a runt after all, that this is the one leg up he has on the others.

He does not want to explain to Siri that he is not like the other boys because he isn't one. (He is though, he was always a boy regardless his sex but the other initiates and their small minds cannot be trusted to understand this simple concept.)

So he only does what can, tells Siri he is like her, physically, but that in every other aspect he is a boy and that's final. She does not ridicule him. She doesn't say much at all. They both get distracted when Bruck Chun shouts at the two of them to spar with him for fun and to stop being boring bookworms.

Later when he holds a dying Siri in his arms she only smiles at him with knowing.  _ You're a good man Kenobi. _

When he is chosen by Qui-Gon he discovers what an annoyance the outside world is. He contemplates daily trimming his long lashes, shaving his head completely, binding his chest with whatever medpac bandages available. For all he hears from the outside Masters of the temple are their remarks of Master Jinn’s new Padawan apprentice and how much of a liability  _ she _ will become. It's an upset and shocking revelation that strangers would see him and think he was a young woman instead of the young boy he had grown up as with the other initiates. 

Alone one day, Master Jinn confronts him as ever bluntly as Siri. As his new Master it is only pertinent he be aware of this information in case it arise as a conflict in the future. Master Jinn asks him his preference and Obi-Wan answers that his is a boy, he has always assessed himself as a boy, and he expects others to do so as well.

Afterwards, none of the Masters of the halls ever whisper another word about him accompanied by the phrase  _ she. _

When Qui-Gon is dying in his arms just like Siri all those years ago, he touches Obi-Wan's face and whispers those words Obi-Wan keeps close to his heart for years.  _ You will be a great Master, a great man. _

He consults Vokara Che after that, about hormones and what is possible. Something in his heart tells him no when she offers chest readjustment or lower surgery, but he accepts the shots every week. He grows the beard he becomes accustomed to, the foreign hairs take time to adjust to but they feel  _ right _ and no longer does he receive second glances when he is introduced as Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Master, the man who will become the face of the Republic alongside Anakin.

Anakin is a mistake and a blessing. The boy's training goes smoothly if not due to the fact it is a bitter and isolated one. Obi-Wan trains him as he had promised, reluctantly and with tension lining every muscle in his body. Personal words are never exchanged, even when the boy begins to age and grow and ask more questions and their missions require communication Obi-Wan holds himself close and distant. He does not want this task but he will carry it through to his death.

When Anakin turns nineteen they fight more and more. Disagreements and the fact that everything Anakin had experienced as a child is coming to light and he is now realizing just how much of a mess their lives are. Anakin flings the ugliest insults at Obi-Wan but never once does he fling the words that hurt him the most.  _ You're a cruel man, Obi-Wan.  _ Anakin says to him one day, and Obi-Wan never forgets that even in his anger, not ever has Anakin reduced him to his most fatal personal flaw. 

(He does not realize, until later, Anakin had never called him a woman not because he had never seen him as one, but because Anakin had never even known. It flatters him but hurts all the same.)

Anakin is knighted and the two do not speak for weeks but it is a cruel thing the council does to them afterwards. Their bond is not dissolved due to the impending war and once again they are forced to work together by the Force’s cruel hands.

The war leaves little privacy to either. There are no luxuries on the battlefield and when Anakin lays his eyes on Obi-Wan's chest in their tent during the morning rush to get ready before a battle, mouth open and the phrase “Are you-?” escaping his lips, Obi-Wan gives him a look that says  _ later  _ and  _ never _ all the same before he quickly leaves.

Anakin forgets about it amidst the dust and ruins in the aftermath and the two resume their awkward dance.

His feelings get away from him all the same during the war, Anakin is safe and familiar and the two find comfort in each other despite what they may want.

When Obi-Wan becomes Hardeen it feels wrong and right. The deep masculine voice he always wanted reverberates in his chest and while his worries for Anakin echo in the back of his mind he is distracted by the task at hand.

Afterwards Anakin does not speak to him for a week.

When they reunite once more Obi-Wan is worn and ragged by the council. Tired of their lies and tired of the manipulations. The Code is a lie and the war seems to have no end and at night all that runs through his head before sleep is  _ peace is a lie, peace is a lie. _

Anakin comes to Obi-Wan in the night, when Coruscant screams with the news of the war and the skylights make reflections off Obi-Wan's windows.

“I understand why you did it.” Anakin opens when he is let inside. “I don't forgive you but I understand.”

Obi-Wan doesn't get it. He'll never know why Anakin chose to let his mistakes be cast aside so carelessly. He is answered with Anakin's hand ghosting over his and he locks their fingers together like a finished puzzle. When Obi-Wan begins to explain their moment in the tent months ago he's interrupted.

“I don't care about that.” Anakin says when he leans close enough that Obi-Wan can see the city lights in his eyes. “Did you think after everything I wouldn't still love you?” He whispers and his lips are so close that Obi-Wan only manages a short, “Anakin-” before they're claimed and he instinctively brings his hands to grip Anakin’s shoulders.

When they part Obi-Wan can only whisper  _ Sorry, I'm so sorry.  _ A confession in the night.

Anakin shows his forgiveness with another kiss and when Obi-Wan cries for the first time since Qui-Gon’s death, Anakin wipes his tears and lets him mourn the loss of the secrets he's been harboring since childhood.


End file.
